"Maybe love stays. Maybe love can't. Maybe love shouldn't."

In just 3-5 months, I will be flying overseas for my the first step of my professional career. I am ecstatic to be one of the lucky few to be able to work in an environment that I’ve always wanted to be in. Amidst all these good news and positive feelings, I still kinda feel a little bit down. I’ve been thinking a lot about it in the wee hours of the morning or dead silence of the night where I marinate myself with my thoughts. It could be how uneasy I felt to have to let go of almost everything here in Singapore, and then uproot myself to a foreign country where I only know 2 people. Or it could be not knowing what the future have been paved out for me, and anxiety holding me hostage at this crossroad in life. Or maybe I am just afraid of being alone in a place with no familiar faces, afraid of being alone and staying alone for the rest of my life.

We held hands secretly in the midst of the midnight crowd; some typing ferociously into their laptops, some having warm conversations with their mates, and some plugged their ears with their headphones to help them focus on their reading. A group of juniors from my school hustled by and we let go of our hands briefly. We chuckled over the thrill. He squeezed my hands three times, and stared at me dead in the eye. The ends of his soft pink lips curled into a warm smile, “I hope the rain never stops”. I squeezed his hands back two times.

I haven’t been seeing anyone for a long time now, 5 years and 4months to be exact. Maybe all these times of telling myself that it is okay to be alone has always been a lie. Recently, I had a conversation about casual sex and why people enjoy it. I never liked the idea of casual sex, but maybe, I could understand why it happens for some of them. There are days when I feel lonely and just needed intimacy, not from a friend, but from a face I thought I could fall in love with. And I thought that maybe that one time will be enough to make me go a longer way without intimacy. There are days when I feel that I don’t feel wanted, and I just need to hear “You are beautiful.” And there are days I feel that I just need to fall asleep in someone’s arms and tell me that things are going to be okay. Then I realised that everything I really need is someone to be with for my lifetime, not just for a night or two. And I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe that is why I feel alone, unwanted and unattractive. Sure, I know everyone have themselves a queue of suitors, but everyone knows how this works, someone you fancy doesn’t fancy you, and vice versa.

The rain pelted against the windows and thunders roared through the moonless, foreboding skies. We were lying apart but i inched closer and grabbed his hand. I squeezed his hands three times. Eyes closed, he whispered softly “Try to get some sleep.” His mouth was a straight line. He didn’t squeeze back.

When I leave Singapore, everyone’s lives will go on. They still have a community to meet people easily. They could still easily meet anyone they fancy. I can’t. I can’t go out and find someone new. And for three years, that’s a whole lot of time spent being alone. Until recently, I haven’t been interested in anyone for a long while. And I am afraid that this interest grows into an attachment, which in turns grows into an overbearing obsession. And I haven’t quite understood why but it just makes me feel really upset that I am leaving so soon. Maybe I shouldn’t let it be. After all, 3 years is a long time, and everyone’s life goes on with or without me.

The heart is what you need to keep a distance from

One of the things I can never get used to is death of those you love. Over the weekend, I received a call from a close friend's mother who informed me of her passing. I couldn't find words to say. My mind went blank, and I couldn't stop thinking about nothing. There was a somatic pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. It wasn't a panic attack, but it felt like one. There was a chill creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking a gazelle. In a swift motion, it moved in for the kill.

I've had my fair share of dealing with death of close friends and family. My cousin, passed away because of leukemia. My greatgrandmother, passed away of old age. My grandfather, passed away due to various organs failure. Sara decided to take her own life, Kelvin had to go because cancer won, Yat drowned, I didn't want to ask about Jon and Timonthy because I thought it was inappropriate to ask a mourning family, Val lost her fight with leukemia, all of whom I was close with had passed away. So as you can see, the group of close friends I have left is countable with my both hands. Some day, it might count down to a single hand.

The feelings, they came softly, then all at once - the same way goodbye only sinks in after the door closed. I couldn't help it and I cried. It didn't feel nice to hold back your tears so much because you're at work, and you cannot get back until 12hours later. I could feel my heart collapsing, my lungs wheezing and my hands shaking. It wasn't until a few consecutive cigarette smoking that I felt a little better.

Val is one of the sweetest girl you'll ever know. She has this uncanny ability to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside no matter what. I remember when I was in secondary school and being quite the loner at the last year of the curriculum, she came by my school on random days to hand me chocolates or cupcakes. Sure, I was just the guinea pig for her, but it always made my day.

I rushed back home to shower and change up after work the very next day. I wanted to be there as soon as I can. Then I stopped in the shower. I wasn't think about anything, and I didn't know how long it took for me to realise that I had been standing in the shower spacing out. I don't want to see her anymore. Because I know the minute I see her body, lifeless in the casket, my mind would finally come to terms with her death. But I don't ever want to come to terms with that.

The day that Val knew her condition was at a later stage, she changed. Val was no longer her happy, cheerful self. Her eyes were distant and dull. In contrast to the heroes who fought cancer with courage and happiness whom we see on the TVs, Val seemed so weak and fragile. There are days that I walked into her ward to see her crying. Every time a person I care about breaks down in front of me, I feel helpless. I can't tell them that everything is going to be okay, because we all know that is a big lie. When the future seemed bleak and menacing, when all hope is gone, when the days are not better even though you pray for them to be better, I can't tell you that tomorrow will be a better day. I hate to be lying to my friends when I don't even believe in the words myself. Val was afraid, I could see it in her eyes. She was scared, so she pushed everyone away and shut herself off from anyone and everyone who cared about her. I know how it feels like, to be afraid and to shut yourself off from people around you.

  This Woman's Work - Kate Bush

(Val and I had an obsession with this song for the

longest time ever. I still am obsessed with this song.)

I spent the rest of the day mourning with her family and friends. It was not a good day, but we all have to move on from here. Someday, we will all die. We can't just pretend that we are immortal and death will never visit. Death will find its way to us sooner or later, and I hope by the time it comes to find me, it will be a good day to die.

Love arrives exactly at the moment it should, and love leaves exactly at the moment it must

Someday, I may no longer crave for you. I may not talk to you every single day, listening to you all your woes and worries. I may not be bothered at all with the photos of yourself that you send to me. I may not feel the need to see you, touch you or feel you. Someday, our paths may no longer be in the vectors moving in the same direction. Heck, we may not even exist in the same plane anymore.

But I'm scared when that day comes. I'm scared that I can never find someone like you worth fighting for; someone so selfless and helpful, dedicated and compassionate, yet a little fiery and crazy. I'm scared that the day I stop craving for you is the day I stop feeling and stop needing.

I don't want that day to come. I want to do things right and at least give a little try.

nothing, nothing will keep us together

Last night, I saw your ghost waving to me and all I see is going, going, gone. I carved your name into an ice-cube and hold it against my chest to let the cold seep through my aching pores into my aching heart

Love isn't always magic. If I hand my heart to a magician, and he cut it into pieces, could you promise me that he would put them back together and return them whole?

Cigs and Booze are poison.

I've come to realize the effects of growing up, how it affects your mind and body. I never really gave much thought about it until recently. But meh.

Really am enjoying work but the only annoying thing is the shift work plan, so my weekends are sometimes not spared from work. It's funny sometimes though, not killing my lungs with cigarettes nor my liver with alcohol on some weekends. It feels healthy though. Sometimes I even have the urge to feel like I should stop smoking and drinking altogether. They are poison to my body and yes, I can feel it. Well, let's just see how, maybe I'll start from quitting smoking.

Will you miss me when I am gone?

I can't wait for enlistment. At least I am going somewhere. And I can get busy and take my mind off some issues that just doesn't make me feel good right now.

dead people are boring

There are many things I don't find a need to say, nor redundant to ask unless of course I am interest in the subject or the subject talking about the subject. Which probably makes me a boring person because contrary to beliefs, I don't think I am that vocal as far as my thoughts are concerned.