I'm not trying to brush the blame off me or trying to defend myself but yea it's my fault, I know it. It's not like I really want to go back there anymore anyway, and if you've ever reflected upon yourself, there are a lot more people who shares my point of view about you. It's just something about you that I cannot get over, or let it pass.
Let's face it, you get superbly, overly defensive over yourself or subjects with a correlation to you very quickly when we talk. Not that it's a bad thing being defensive, but it's not about shoving your views and ideas down one's throat as though it's the best medicine. We just want you to understand our point of view. I've tried so many times in vain that I'm pretty much non-chalant now. Whatever happens, I just take it in. Not that I'm agreeing that you're right, but just 'cause I'm just too tired to argue about anything with you.
That aside, I think I've changed too much over the past year. Maybe it was because I was relying so much on my friends regarding my own issues that I thought I was a burden. Through time, I stop telling friends about my issues when I'm out with my friends hanging out and shit like that. I didn't want to feel like a reliant person that dampens the mood. I start to pick myself up, and if I can't, I'll just let throw myself into the abyss and let all the shit happen.
That probably made me believe that we should deal with our own shit, because shit happens to you when you stir it, knowingly or unknowingly. I know it sounds ridiculous but back then when we're stirring shit unknowingly, we don't stop to think about the possible consequences because those probably seem like small matters to you back in the past. We didn't really care anyway. And when the disastrous scenario came smacking right into your face, you wouldn't understand why you deserve this.
Not that anyone deserves shit to be smeared all over their face, but I always think that whatever you do has an outcome, positively or negatively. It's just a cause-and-effect theory. Luck plays a part as an efficient cause, an external entity that could've catalyse the change. So as your intention fuels your actions, the result may turn out the way you expected, or it could churn out a whole lot of bullshit that you least expected to happen, which draws me back to what I believe (actually, I'm not too sure about my belief about this idea), "We deal with out own shit because we made that happen".
It made me to believe that people shouldn't be overly reliant on others to deal with their own problems because the problems manifested because of what people did. And I shut out some of my closer friends when they tell me about their problems. Also, I'm so used to facing the problem now and dealing with it quick so it doesn't drag on and made my mind so messed up that I thought people would feel the same too. I still don't understand why people don't deal with problems immediately, but I guess there are people who needs more time to deal with the situation. I'm probably just blinded by my own idea that dealing with situation immediately will grant immediate release. Still, I'd prefer dealing with problems immediately, probably makes me feel better since there's a closure, good or bad.
For now, I guess I should tweak my mind a little and stop being such a selfish bitch. Doesn't hurt to listen hor? That is unless someone has really bad English la. Bah my ears.
