I've had my fair share of dealing with death of close friends and family. My cousin, passed away because of leukemia. My greatgrandmother, passed away of old age. My grandfather, passed away due to various organs failure. Sara decided to take her own life, Kelvin had to go because cancer won, Yat drowned, I didn't want to ask about Jon and Timonthy because I thought it was inappropriate to ask a mourning family, Val lost her fight with leukemia, all of whom I was close with had passed away. So as you can see, the group of close friends I have left is countable with my both hands. Some day, it might count down to a single hand.
The feelings, they came softly, then all at once - the same way goodbye only sinks in after the door closed. I couldn't help it and I cried. It didn't feel nice to hold back your tears so much because you're at work, and you cannot get back until 12hours later. I could feel my heart collapsing, my lungs wheezing and my hands shaking. It wasn't until a few consecutive cigarette smoking that I felt a little better.
Val is one of the sweetest girl you'll ever know. She has this uncanny ability to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside no matter what. I remember when I was in secondary school and being quite the loner at the last year of the curriculum, she came by my school on random days to hand me chocolates or cupcakes. Sure, I was just the guinea pig for her, but it always made my day.
I rushed back home to shower and change up after work the very next day. I wanted to be there as soon as I can. Then I stopped in the shower. I wasn't think about anything, and I didn't know how long it took for me to realise that I had been standing in the shower spacing out. I don't want to see her anymore. Because I know the minute I see her body, lifeless in the casket, my mind would finally come to terms with her death. But I don't ever want to come to terms with that.
The day that Val knew her condition was at a later stage, she changed. Val was no longer her happy, cheerful self. Her eyes were distant and dull. In contrast to the heroes who fought cancer with courage and happiness whom we see on the TVs, Val seemed so weak and fragile. There are days that I walked into her ward to see her crying. Every time a person I care about breaks down in front of me, I feel helpless. I can't tell them that everything is going to be okay, because we all know that is a big lie. When the future seemed bleak and menacing, when all hope is gone, when the days are not better even though you pray for them to be better, I can't tell you that tomorrow will be a better day. I hate to be lying to my friends when I don't even believe in the words myself. Val was afraid, I could see it in her eyes. She was scared, so she pushed everyone away and shut herself off from anyone and everyone who cared about her. I know how it feels like, to be afraid and to shut yourself off from people around you.
This Woman's Work - Kate Bush
(Val and I had an obsession with this song for the
longest time ever. I still am obsessed with this song.)
I spent the rest of the day mourning with her family and friends. It was not a good day, but we all have to move on from here. Someday, we will all die. We can't just pretend that we are immortal and death will never visit. Death will find its way to us sooner or later, and I hope by the time it comes to find me, it will be a good day to die.
