In just 3-5 months, I will be flying overseas for my the first step of my professional career. I am ecstatic to be one of the lucky few to be able to work in an environment that I’ve always wanted to be in. Amidst all these good news and positive feelings, I still kinda feel a little bit down. I’ve been thinking a lot about it in the wee hours of the morning or dead silence of the night where I marinate myself with my thoughts. It could be how uneasy I felt to have to let go of almost everything here in Singapore, and then uproot myself to a foreign country where I only know 2 people. Or it could be not knowing what the future have been paved out for me, and anxiety holding me hostage at this crossroad in life. Or maybe I am just afraid of being alone in a place with no familiar faces, afraid of being alone and staying alone for the rest of my life.
We held hands secretly in the midst of the midnight crowd; some typing ferociously into their laptops, some having warm conversations with their mates, and some plugged their ears with their headphones to help them focus on their reading. A group of juniors from my school hustled by and we let go of our hands briefly. We chuckled over the thrill. He squeezed my hands three times, and stared at me dead in the eye. The ends of his soft pink lips curled into a warm smile, “I hope the rain never stops”. I squeezed his hands back two times.
I haven’t been seeing anyone for a long time now, 5 years and 4months to be exact. Maybe all these times of telling myself that it is okay to be alone has always been a lie. Recently, I had a conversation about casual sex and why people enjoy it. I never liked the idea of casual sex, but maybe, I could understand why it happens for some of them. There are days when I feel lonely and just needed intimacy, not from a friend, but from a face I thought I could fall in love with. And I thought that maybe that one time will be enough to make me go a longer way without intimacy. There are days when I feel that I don’t feel wanted, and I just need to hear “You are beautiful.” And there are days I feel that I just need to fall asleep in someone’s arms and tell me that things are going to be okay. Then I realised that everything I really need is someone to be with for my lifetime, not just for a night or two. And I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe that is why I feel alone, unwanted and unattractive. Sure, I know everyone have themselves a queue of suitors, but everyone knows how this works, someone you fancy doesn’t fancy you, and vice versa.
The rain pelted against the windows and thunders roared through the moonless, foreboding skies. We were lying apart but i inched closer and grabbed his hand. I squeezed his hands three times. Eyes closed, he whispered softly “Try to get some sleep.” His mouth was a straight line. He didn’t squeeze back.
