"Maybe love stays. Maybe love can't. Maybe love shouldn't."

In just 3-5 months, I will be flying overseas for my the first step of my professional career. I am ecstatic to be one of the lucky few to be able to work in an environment that I’ve always wanted to be in. Amidst all these good news and positive feelings, I still kinda feel a little bit down. I’ve been thinking a lot about it in the wee hours of the morning or dead silence of the night where I marinate myself with my thoughts. It could be how uneasy I felt to have to let go of almost everything here in Singapore, and then uproot myself to a foreign country where I only know 2 people. Or it could be not knowing what the future have been paved out for me, and anxiety holding me hostage at this crossroad in life. Or maybe I am just afraid of being alone in a place with no familiar faces, afraid of being alone and staying alone for the rest of my life.

We held hands secretly in the midst of the midnight crowd; some typing ferociously into their laptops, some having warm conversations with their mates, and some plugged their ears with their headphones to help them focus on their reading. A group of juniors from my school hustled by and we let go of our hands briefly. We chuckled over the thrill. He squeezed my hands three times, and stared at me dead in the eye. The ends of his soft pink lips curled into a warm smile, “I hope the rain never stops”. I squeezed his hands back two times.

I haven’t been seeing anyone for a long time now, 5 years and 4months to be exact. Maybe all these times of telling myself that it is okay to be alone has always been a lie. Recently, I had a conversation about casual sex and why people enjoy it. I never liked the idea of casual sex, but maybe, I could understand why it happens for some of them. There are days when I feel lonely and just needed intimacy, not from a friend, but from a face I thought I could fall in love with. And I thought that maybe that one time will be enough to make me go a longer way without intimacy. There are days when I feel that I don’t feel wanted, and I just need to hear “You are beautiful.” And there are days I feel that I just need to fall asleep in someone’s arms and tell me that things are going to be okay. Then I realised that everything I really need is someone to be with for my lifetime, not just for a night or two. And I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe that is why I feel alone, unwanted and unattractive. Sure, I know everyone have themselves a queue of suitors, but everyone knows how this works, someone you fancy doesn’t fancy you, and vice versa.

The rain pelted against the windows and thunders roared through the moonless, foreboding skies. We were lying apart but i inched closer and grabbed his hand. I squeezed his hands three times. Eyes closed, he whispered softly “Try to get some sleep.” His mouth was a straight line. He didn’t squeeze back.

When I leave Singapore, everyone’s lives will go on. They still have a community to meet people easily. They could still easily meet anyone they fancy. I can’t. I can’t go out and find someone new. And for three years, that’s a whole lot of time spent being alone. Until recently, I haven’t been interested in anyone for a long while. And I am afraid that this interest grows into an attachment, which in turns grows into an overbearing obsession. And I haven’t quite understood why but it just makes me feel really upset that I am leaving so soon. Maybe I shouldn’t let it be. After all, 3 years is a long time, and everyone’s life goes on with or without me.

The heart is what you need to keep a distance from

One of the things I can never get used to is death of those you love. Over the weekend, I received a call from a close friend's mother who informed me of her passing. I couldn't find words to say. My mind went blank, and I couldn't stop thinking about nothing. There was a somatic pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. It wasn't a panic attack, but it felt like one. There was a chill creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking a gazelle. In a swift motion, it moved in for the kill.

I've had my fair share of dealing with death of close friends and family. My cousin, passed away because of leukemia. My greatgrandmother, passed away of old age. My grandfather, passed away due to various organs failure. Sara decided to take her own life, Kelvin had to go because cancer won, Yat drowned, I didn't want to ask about Jon and Timonthy because I thought it was inappropriate to ask a mourning family, Val lost her fight with leukemia, all of whom I was close with had passed away. So as you can see, the group of close friends I have left is countable with my both hands. Some day, it might count down to a single hand.

The feelings, they came softly, then all at once - the same way goodbye only sinks in after the door closed. I couldn't help it and I cried. It didn't feel nice to hold back your tears so much because you're at work, and you cannot get back until 12hours later. I could feel my heart collapsing, my lungs wheezing and my hands shaking. It wasn't until a few consecutive cigarette smoking that I felt a little better.

Val is one of the sweetest girl you'll ever know. She has this uncanny ability to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside no matter what. I remember when I was in secondary school and being quite the loner at the last year of the curriculum, she came by my school on random days to hand me chocolates or cupcakes. Sure, I was just the guinea pig for her, but it always made my day.

I rushed back home to shower and change up after work the very next day. I wanted to be there as soon as I can. Then I stopped in the shower. I wasn't think about anything, and I didn't know how long it took for me to realise that I had been standing in the shower spacing out. I don't want to see her anymore. Because I know the minute I see her body, lifeless in the casket, my mind would finally come to terms with her death. But I don't ever want to come to terms with that.

The day that Val knew her condition was at a later stage, she changed. Val was no longer her happy, cheerful self. Her eyes were distant and dull. In contrast to the heroes who fought cancer with courage and happiness whom we see on the TVs, Val seemed so weak and fragile. There are days that I walked into her ward to see her crying. Every time a person I care about breaks down in front of me, I feel helpless. I can't tell them that everything is going to be okay, because we all know that is a big lie. When the future seemed bleak and menacing, when all hope is gone, when the days are not better even though you pray for them to be better, I can't tell you that tomorrow will be a better day. I hate to be lying to my friends when I don't even believe in the words myself. Val was afraid, I could see it in her eyes. She was scared, so she pushed everyone away and shut herself off from anyone and everyone who cared about her. I know how it feels like, to be afraid and to shut yourself off from people around you.

  This Woman's Work - Kate Bush

(Val and I had an obsession with this song for the

longest time ever. I still am obsessed with this song.)

I spent the rest of the day mourning with her family and friends. It was not a good day, but we all have to move on from here. Someday, we will all die. We can't just pretend that we are immortal and death will never visit. Death will find its way to us sooner or later, and I hope by the time it comes to find me, it will be a good day to die.

Love arrives exactly at the moment it should, and love leaves exactly at the moment it must

Someday, I may no longer crave for you. I may not talk to you every single day, listening to you all your woes and worries. I may not be bothered at all with the photos of yourself that you send to me. I may not feel the need to see you, touch you or feel you. Someday, our paths may no longer be in the vectors moving in the same direction. Heck, we may not even exist in the same plane anymore.

But I'm scared when that day comes. I'm scared that I can never find someone like you worth fighting for; someone so selfless and helpful, dedicated and compassionate, yet a little fiery and crazy. I'm scared that the day I stop craving for you is the day I stop feeling and stop needing.

I don't want that day to come. I want to do things right and at least give a little try.

nothing, nothing will keep us together

Last night, I saw your ghost waving to me and all I see is going, going, gone. I carved your name into an ice-cube and hold it against my chest to let the cold seep through my aching pores into my aching heart

Love isn't always magic. If I hand my heart to a magician, and he cut it into pieces, could you promise me that he would put them back together and return them whole?

Cigs and Booze are poison.

I've come to realize the effects of growing up, how it affects your mind and body. I never really gave much thought about it until recently. But meh.

Really am enjoying work but the only annoying thing is the shift work plan, so my weekends are sometimes not spared from work. It's funny sometimes though, not killing my lungs with cigarettes nor my liver with alcohol on some weekends. It feels healthy though. Sometimes I even have the urge to feel like I should stop smoking and drinking altogether. They are poison to my body and yes, I can feel it. Well, let's just see how, maybe I'll start from quitting smoking.

Will you miss me when I am gone?

I can't wait for enlistment. At least I am going somewhere. And I can get busy and take my mind off some issues that just doesn't make me feel good right now.

dead people are boring

There are many things I don't find a need to say, nor redundant to ask unless of course I am interest in the subject or the subject talking about the subject. Which probably makes me a boring person because contrary to beliefs, I don't think I am that vocal as far as my thoughts are concerned.

17 days left.

Funny how things doesn't go the way I want when I drink or smoke, but when I start going on an extreme and opposite lifestyle, things seem to run smoothly. Perhaps life is trying to show me the right way and path in life, no matter how small and insignificant things maybe.


I'm starting to feel better about the loss of my phone already. I could be better off without the little distractions like fiddling with my phone wherever I am. Reading a book is perhaps much better than reading senseless articles on the internet. Staying away from Facebook doesn't mean I'll be less connected to the world. I might even be more engaged to the real world in many other ways.

Lotsa random thoughts today. And also, planning a fixed schedule to stick to for this two weeks. Sweet.

You still haunt me

If only I was there for you then, you might not have jumped.

i would sigh a lot but that will just make me sound old and annoying

I think I screwed up. But I want to start doing things right now.

The past is a grotesque animal and you see in its eyes how completely wrong you can be.

I felt so disoriented today despite being out with a good friend. Just so many things running in my head and I couldn't snap out of it. I wonder if I could get my thoughts out of my head before dinner time.

Solitude is blessed.

I think it is about time I learn about the wisdom of silence and speak only when necessary.

괜찮아요

Perhaps one of the hardest thing is to let people go. You know that you maybe on the same bed with them but you aren't the one they're thinking about. And wedged in between your bodies is an empty space, as if your bodies are making it clear that they don't want to have anything to do with each other. But the line was drawn clearly from the start, and there are no gray areas. How could I have missed that?

The worst thing is, you can't even do anything about it. You could cry about it, you could rave about it, you could get angry over it but nothing can change the fact that this person you're lying on the very bed with, isn't in love with you. They are in love with someone else, who share a very different bed, a very different room, a very different house. But they might very well be sharing the same feelings for each other.

And in their mind, you will always be this "very good friend" to them. This "friend" whom you would like to keep by your side. This "friend" whom you think "can find and deserves someone better". This "friend" who will be just a friend and nothing more.

I never feel good reading through messages without permission and now I feel really bad for doing so. Nonetheless, I am relieved that I know what was going. I mean, come on, his eyes lit up and his lips broke into a smile upon receiving that message. Who else could it be other than the one you really love?

As you walk on by, will you call my name?

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

lkjnsdalfjnaskbksjfba

Sometimes, I just feel like slapping myself over and over again. WHY DID I SAY THAT? :/

unicorn poop makes your skin glows

The media portrayal of unrealistic people isn't new. The fact is that we, the people who are criticizing the way media is portrayed, are the ones allowing it to continue what they are doing. As long as we keep buying into the marketing campaigns that aim to make us feel inadequate in beauty, we are making the campaigns work. We are worried about our outlooks and we feel incomplete without those "new-and-improved-life-changing" things that technology had made "the impossible seem possible". We are validating our worth in the society with just a lousy piece of glass, juxtaposed with excessively distorted advertisements. And as we buy diet pills, cosmetic products and expensive clothing to look like those people, we are showing the media that they are indeed giving us what we want. Believe me, because I regretted doing things to myself for the sake of 'beauty'.

To hell with the idea that beautiful is thin (or muscled) and white (or tanned) and flawlessly skinned.
The media is only a reflection of what will interest us most, what will make us turn our heads and pay attention, and therefore garner the most attention, income and (what else) power.

The people we love are the people who are most beautiful to us. Because beautiful does not have to be physical. Actually, if you ask me, inner beauty speaks infinitely more, and is so much more striking and powerful.

To quote from an article I read recently:
"So let me tell you what I think beautiful is, what real, deep, inner beauty is to me. Beautiful is he who keeps his head up and is proud of his body, just as it is. Beautiful is the man who has to hide his gay lover from his judgmental parents, but who loves him, regardless of what the world will think. Beautiful are the women who buy the jeans that fit them, not the ones they hope will fit one day; the people who wear what they want because they like it. Beautiful are the people who choose love. Beautiful are the people who allow their bodies to be their temples and canvases, and who create their outer beings to reflect their inner. Beautiful are the people who hurt and feel insecure and make mistakes—but rise above, and find confidence and admit when they’re wrong. Beautiful is you and me. Beautiful is everyday. Beautiful is the struggle and the triumph, and beautiful is the understanding how necessary the struggle was. Remember that the next time you feel hopeless. Beautiful is loving yourself enough to know you’re worth more than feeling inadequate."

In the end, I decided that as long as I am leading a healthy lifestyle and not harming myself while achieving what "beauty" is, there's really no need for me to get a pale skin tone and buy expensive clothing. And I'm quitting smoking. And reducing my consumption of alcohol.

Prohibition and shit don't work at all

" The first attempt at prohibition that we have any historical record of started with these words "And the Lord God commanded the man, 'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.' " (Genesis 2:16,17). God gave them free will after that, despite banishing them from the garden of Eden. "

" In Catholicism, Augustine of Hippo underlined that the fruits from the Tree of Knowledge were not evil by themselves, because everything that God created was good (Gen 1:12). It was disobedience of Adam and Eve, who had been told by God not to eat of the tree (Gen 2:17), that was obnoxious and caused disorder in the creation, thus humanity inherited sin and guilt from Adam and Eve's sin. "

Look at a person like you're blind.

I want to look at you like I'm blind. I want to feel your body with my eyes closed, and know about your rough edges and perfect curves. I want to tear off my skin and make you wear it, so I could feel your back and your front all at the same time.

I want to know why you are so beautiful me. I want to know if it's those long lashes and big eyes that makes conversation shiver in excitement, or the way you always smile like a little boy excited with his fine piece of work built with Lego bricks. Or perhaps it could be the way you sing to me, and even though it is usually off-key, and Elmo has a far more pleasing sound, I've always loved to hear you sing.

I want to understand things about you that I cannot see and didn't know, things like the people you've ever been in love with, why you loved them and why they loved you. I want to know about the times you think you'd never make it through. I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate, and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. I want you to tell me about all the ways you've been unkind.

See I wanna know what you see in a mirror on the days you're feeling good. I wanna know what you see in a mirror on the days you're feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who told you that your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. I wanna know the person who told you that your worthiness could ever be reflected with a scar on your bum. I wanna know whoever told you that you aren't beautiful, then ask them come, I punch them for you. Hahaha.

Going, going, gone.

Im shivering, not because of the cold, nor the rain that I stayed under, but because I am scared of your words. Im on the verge of tears but you know, shit happens anyway.

"Everything is closer to the end, but I will get further from you."

can you hear my call?

Perhaps in a drunken stupor, I was rash (and somewhat horny). The last time I've ever done this was... never. Despite my advances, we didnt do anything. But I'm feeling so dirty about myself now.