Everything seemed so surreal suddenly. I felt like there was a force pulling back my cheeks, and I just felt light and fluffy. But I tried to contain it anyway, so it was whatever.
I've been sick for the past few days and I think I lost some mass along the way too. I think I should be sick more often to shed off a few more pounds. Anyway, I came across cupla videos about the culture shock in Korea where lotsa expats were at South Korea and realised that many female colleagues will be blunt about each other's body mass. Even during greetings, they will tell you right in the face whether you seem to gained weight or lost weight. I wonder why they were brought up this way to be this obsessed with body mass. If I go there, I'll probably be called fat.
November 14, 2012
October 24, 2012
Words
I have already fallen in love with far too many words you used and I have already taken the liberty of carving those words into my mind, just so that they remind me of you every single day. When you appear at my doorstep wearing nothing but words, I knew that I'm trapped in your eyes.
No, "appear" is the wrong word. Is there a word for sucker-punching someone in the heart? Is there a word to describe the feeling when you sit at the bottom of a roller coaster, and you know that the climb is coming, that you could feel the flip in your stomach from the fall before you even moved? Is there a word for that that? There should be. You can only fit so many words in a message, only so many in a phone call, only so many into letters and postcards before you forget that sometimes words are used for things other than filling emptiness.
It is hard to build a body with words. Instead of lying my head against your chest, I tell you about the boy who stayed up through the night practicing his drum set. The neighbours have complained, "We have long days tomorrow" but he kept on thumping all night long convinced, I think, that practice makes perfect. Instead of holding my hand, you tell me about the sandwich you made this morning, about how the ham fits the bread perfectly.
You could never fill emptiness with words no matter how hard you try. Words are after all, empty. One time you told me that nothing will come in between us again. I took my heart in my hands, the same hands where you left the very words, and I held on so tight to the words that my heart bled. Is there a word for when a sculpture crumbles before the carving is done? When you apologized and made me a promise, I took a mallet and struck my pitching tool into the core of my heart and I carved those words in. Is there a word for that?
Is there a word for when you win a tug-o-war? When the weight finally gives in, when the tumbling rope comes towards you and even though you won, you still wind up with muddy knees and scratches over your hands. Is there a word for that? I wish there was, then I would have said it when we were both finally alone on your couch and neither of us are left with anything else to say.
No, "appear" is the wrong word. Is there a word for sucker-punching someone in the heart? Is there a word to describe the feeling when you sit at the bottom of a roller coaster, and you know that the climb is coming, that you could feel the flip in your stomach from the fall before you even moved? Is there a word for that that? There should be. You can only fit so many words in a message, only so many in a phone call, only so many into letters and postcards before you forget that sometimes words are used for things other than filling emptiness.
It is hard to build a body with words. Instead of lying my head against your chest, I tell you about the boy who stayed up through the night practicing his drum set. The neighbours have complained, "We have long days tomorrow" but he kept on thumping all night long convinced, I think, that practice makes perfect. Instead of holding my hand, you tell me about the sandwich you made this morning, about how the ham fits the bread perfectly.
You could never fill emptiness with words no matter how hard you try. Words are after all, empty. One time you told me that nothing will come in between us again. I took my heart in my hands, the same hands where you left the very words, and I held on so tight to the words that my heart bled. Is there a word for when a sculpture crumbles before the carving is done? When you apologized and made me a promise, I took a mallet and struck my pitching tool into the core of my heart and I carved those words in. Is there a word for that?
Is there a word for when you win a tug-o-war? When the weight finally gives in, when the tumbling rope comes towards you and even though you won, you still wind up with muddy knees and scratches over your hands. Is there a word for that? I wish there was, then I would have said it when we were both finally alone on your couch and neither of us are left with anything else to say.
摩天楼
Truth be told, I don't quite like myself complimenting others about their looks because I don't want to give the idea that I like them because of how they look. Like wise, I don't really like people constantly complimenting me on my looks because it makes me feel that people like me because of how I look, but not who I am. Cheesy as it sounds, I'd rather people like me for who I am on the inside. After all, looks will fade away with time. Of course I'm just talking about the frequency of the compliments, not that I don't like giving it or receiving it. I just don't like that too often.
Oh and that reminded me of this spoken word poetry I chanced upon.
Oh and that reminded me of this spoken word poetry I chanced upon.
October 21, 2012
Little heart, don't cry.
Perhaps it's just part of growing up, or it's just me, that I might be more prone to annoyance by the trivial things around me rather than the personal stuff that happens to me. I mean there isn't much personal things that will affect my mood as easily as before. Don't know if it means good or bad, but I hope at least that is good even in the slightest way.
The week has been... Well, challenging... I feel so much awkwardness just being there. She seemed to be close to desperate, to the point that it was uncomfortable for people around her. Or at least for me, I feel a little weird to be there. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't wanna get involved but the there is just something wrong in the air. It's either the aura exuding from her, or just my pits that smell.
I don't really wanna talk about it, but I guess I see a little bit of myself in her, of such desperation at wits end, clinging onto a rope that she made from pieces of her heart, and hoping to get a little recognition. Things never really go the way she wanted, and as her soul sank deeper into oblivion, she struggle to breathe but finds herself being dragged deeper into the quicksand.
I wanted to tell her not to cry. I heard the voice inside of her. I didn't.
I just thought it would be better when she accepted it willingly.
The week has been... Well, challenging... I feel so much awkwardness just being there. She seemed to be close to desperate, to the point that it was uncomfortable for people around her. Or at least for me, I feel a little weird to be there. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't wanna get involved but the there is just something wrong in the air. It's either the aura exuding from her, or just my pits that smell.
I don't really wanna talk about it, but I guess I see a little bit of myself in her, of such desperation at wits end, clinging onto a rope that she made from pieces of her heart, and hoping to get a little recognition. Things never really go the way she wanted, and as her soul sank deeper into oblivion, she struggle to breathe but finds herself being dragged deeper into the quicksand.
I wanted to tell her not to cry. I heard the voice inside of her. I didn't.
I just thought it would be better when she accepted it willingly.
October 16, 2012
And I'm not getting any younger too.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am that screwed up as a date or a friend. Because everytime things fall apart, I think it might really be me being the root of the problem than others. I have yet to say "I screwed up" all these while, probably believing that I'm not the one that's wrong.
Perhaps after being single for so long, I'm starting to believe that something is really wrong with me.
So tell me truthfully, is something really wrong with me?
Perhaps after being single for so long, I'm starting to believe that something is really wrong with me.
So tell me truthfully, is something really wrong with me?
September 5, 2012
"Why you sound so serious?"
I'm not trying to brush the blame off me or trying to defend myself but yea it's my fault, I know it. It's not like I really want to go back there anymore anyway, and if you've ever reflected upon yourself, there are a lot more people who shares my point of view about you. It's just something about you that I cannot get over, or let it pass.
Let's face it, you get superbly, overly defensive over yourself or subjects with a correlation to you very quickly when we talk. Not that it's a bad thing being defensive, but it's not about shoving your views and ideas down one's throat as though it's the best medicine. We just want you to understand our point of view. I've tried so many times in vain that I'm pretty much non-chalant now. Whatever happens, I just take it in. Not that I'm agreeing that you're right, but just 'cause I'm just too tired to argue about anything with you.
That aside, I think I've changed too much over the past year. Maybe it was because I was relying so much on my friends regarding my own issues that I thought I was a burden. Through time, I stop telling friends about my issues when I'm out with my friends hanging out and shit like that. I didn't want to feel like a reliant person that dampens the mood. I start to pick myself up, and if I can't, I'll just let throw myself into the abyss and let all the shit happen.
That probably made me believe that we should deal with our own shit, because shit happens to you when you stir it, knowingly or unknowingly. I know it sounds ridiculous but back then when we're stirring shit unknowingly, we don't stop to think about the possible consequences because those probably seem like small matters to you back in the past. We didn't really care anyway. And when the disastrous scenario came smacking right into your face, you wouldn't understand why you deserve this.
Not that anyone deserves shit to be smeared all over their face, but I always think that whatever you do has an outcome, positively or negatively. It's just a cause-and-effect theory. Luck plays a part as an efficient cause, an external entity that could've catalyse the change. So as your intention fuels your actions, the result may turn out the way you expected, or it could churn out a whole lot of bullshit that you least expected to happen, which draws me back to what I believe (actually, I'm not too sure about my belief about this idea), "We deal with out own shit because we made that happen".
It made me to believe that people shouldn't be overly reliant on others to deal with their own problems because the problems manifested because of what people did. And I shut out some of my closer friends when they tell me about their problems. Also, I'm so used to facing the problem now and dealing with it quick so it doesn't drag on and made my mind so messed up that I thought people would feel the same too. I still don't understand why people don't deal with problems immediately, but I guess there are people who needs more time to deal with the situation. I'm probably just blinded by my own idea that dealing with situation immediately will grant immediate release. Still, I'd prefer dealing with problems immediately, probably makes me feel better since there's a closure, good or bad.
For now, I guess I should tweak my mind a little and stop being such a selfish bitch. Doesn't hurt to listen hor? That is unless someone has really bad English la. Bah my ears.
Let's face it, you get superbly, overly defensive over yourself or subjects with a correlation to you very quickly when we talk. Not that it's a bad thing being defensive, but it's not about shoving your views and ideas down one's throat as though it's the best medicine. We just want you to understand our point of view. I've tried so many times in vain that I'm pretty much non-chalant now. Whatever happens, I just take it in. Not that I'm agreeing that you're right, but just 'cause I'm just too tired to argue about anything with you.
That aside, I think I've changed too much over the past year. Maybe it was because I was relying so much on my friends regarding my own issues that I thought I was a burden. Through time, I stop telling friends about my issues when I'm out with my friends hanging out and shit like that. I didn't want to feel like a reliant person that dampens the mood. I start to pick myself up, and if I can't, I'll just let throw myself into the abyss and let all the shit happen.
That probably made me believe that we should deal with our own shit, because shit happens to you when you stir it, knowingly or unknowingly. I know it sounds ridiculous but back then when we're stirring shit unknowingly, we don't stop to think about the possible consequences because those probably seem like small matters to you back in the past. We didn't really care anyway. And when the disastrous scenario came smacking right into your face, you wouldn't understand why you deserve this.
Not that anyone deserves shit to be smeared all over their face, but I always think that whatever you do has an outcome, positively or negatively. It's just a cause-and-effect theory. Luck plays a part as an efficient cause, an external entity that could've catalyse the change. So as your intention fuels your actions, the result may turn out the way you expected, or it could churn out a whole lot of bullshit that you least expected to happen, which draws me back to what I believe (actually, I'm not too sure about my belief about this idea), "We deal with out own shit because we made that happen".
It made me to believe that people shouldn't be overly reliant on others to deal with their own problems because the problems manifested because of what people did. And I shut out some of my closer friends when they tell me about their problems. Also, I'm so used to facing the problem now and dealing with it quick so it doesn't drag on and made my mind so messed up that I thought people would feel the same too. I still don't understand why people don't deal with problems immediately, but I guess there are people who needs more time to deal with the situation. I'm probably just blinded by my own idea that dealing with situation immediately will grant immediate release. Still, I'd prefer dealing with problems immediately, probably makes me feel better since there's a closure, good or bad.
For now, I guess I should tweak my mind a little and stop being such a selfish bitch. Doesn't hurt to listen hor? That is unless someone has really bad English la. Bah my ears.
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