I've always believed in treating others how you would want to be treated, especially in a relationship. If you don't keep a cool head and just allow your emotions to run wild, you're just probably going to fuck things up in it. And I tell you, you know how nasty you will become when you allow your emotions to consume you. It is so much easier to not control your emotions, but it makes you so damaging as a person.

And when you don't try your best to change the negativity into something constructive and positive, I always believe that karma's going to bite you right back at your ass someday. Someday, that person might just do the same thing to you.

So many people breaking up before Christmas hallelujah welcome to singlehood, dolls.

anime quotes lolwut

"So why are you being so nice to me? I was so happy you talked to me again, i was so happy that you were being nice to me, like when we were together. I thought you were finally giving me a chance. If i'd known this would happen, I'd wish you'd kept being a jerk. If you had, I wouldn't have realized that I love you, or been sad to learn about him, or tried to fall in love with you again."

"There is no rule that you can't show feelings just because it's a game."

I loved him, but I couldn't share my feelings. I have to bury them deep in my heart, so that i can forget them someday.


We were talking about it and I realised how I've tried to constantly suppress myself from reacting with emotions, and to forcefully act with logical judgements instead. It scares me how "emotionless" I am with regards to dealing with problems I meet, and perhaps in relationships, and I wonder if that was because of my past relationships. I had 2 men that I loved deeply, but nothing turns out right, perhaps because I was just too emotionally unstable that I couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't good enough. Or maybe I just wasn't good enough because I just wasn't good at dealing with my emotions pragmatically.And perhaps that changed me to this emotionless, un-passionate void I've never wanted to become.

Trippy Tremors Following behind you

Everything seemed so surreal suddenly. I felt like there was a force pulling back my cheeks, and I just felt light and fluffy. But I tried to contain it anyway, so it was whatever.

I've been sick for the past few days and I think I lost some mass along the way too. I think I should be sick more often to shed off a few more pounds. Anyway, I came across cupla videos about the culture shock in Korea where lotsa expats were at South Korea and realised that many female colleagues will be blunt about each other's body mass. Even during greetings, they will tell you right in the face whether you seem to gained weight or lost weight. I wonder why they were brought up this way to be this obsessed with body mass. If I go there, I'll probably be called fat.

Words

I have already fallen in love with far too many words you used and I have already taken the liberty of carving those words into my mind, just so that they remind me of you every single day. When you appear at my doorstep wearing nothing but words, I knew that I'm trapped in your eyes.

No, "appear" is the wrong word. Is there a word for sucker-punching someone in the heart? Is there a word to describe the feeling when you sit at the bottom of a roller coaster, and you know that the climb is coming, that you could feel the flip in your stomach from the fall before you even moved? Is there a word for that that? There should be. You can only fit so many words in a message, only so many in a phone call, only so many into letters and postcards before you forget that sometimes words are used for things other than filling emptiness.

It is hard to build a body with words. Instead of lying my head against your chest, I tell you about the boy who stayed up through the night practicing his drum set. The neighbours have complained, "We have long days tomorrow" but he kept on thumping all night long convinced, I think, that practice makes perfect. Instead of holding my hand, you tell me about the sandwich you made this morning, about how the ham fits the bread perfectly.

You could never fill emptiness with words no matter how hard you try. Words are after all, empty. One time you told me that nothing will come in between us again. I took my heart in my hands, the same hands where you left the very words, and I held on so tight to the words that my heart bled. Is there a word for when a sculpture crumbles before the carving is done? When you apologized and made me a promise, I took a mallet and struck my pitching tool into the core of my heart and I carved those words in. Is there a word for that?

Is there a word for when you win a tug-o-war? When the weight finally gives in, when the tumbling rope comes towards you and even though you won, you still wind up with muddy knees and scratches over your hands. Is there a word for that? I wish there was, then I would have said it when we were both finally alone on your couch and neither of us are left with anything else to say.

摩天楼

Truth be told, I don't quite like myself complimenting others about their looks because I don't want to give the idea that I like them because of how they look. Like wise, I don't really like people constantly complimenting me on my looks because it makes me feel that people like me because of how I look, but not who I am. Cheesy as it sounds, I'd rather people like me for who I am on the inside. After all, looks will fade away with time. Of course I'm just talking about the frequency of the compliments, not that I don't like giving it or receiving it. I just don't like that too often.

Oh and that reminded me of this spoken word poetry I chanced upon.

Little heart, don't cry.

Perhaps it's just part of growing up, or it's just me, that I might be more prone to annoyance by the trivial things around me rather than the personal stuff that happens to me. I mean there isn't much personal things that will affect my mood as easily as before. Don't know if it means good or bad, but I hope at least that is good even in the slightest way.

The week has been... Well, challenging... I feel so much awkwardness just being there. She seemed to be close to desperate, to the point that it was uncomfortable for people around her. Or at least for me, I feel a little weird to be there. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't wanna get involved but the there is just something wrong in the air. It's either the aura exuding from her, or just my pits that smell.

I don't really wanna talk about it, but I guess I see a little bit of myself in her, of such desperation at wits end, clinging onto a rope that she made from pieces of her heart, and hoping to get a little recognition. Things never really go the way she wanted, and as her soul sank deeper into oblivion, she struggle to breathe but finds herself being dragged deeper into the quicksand.

I wanted to tell her not to cry. I heard the voice inside of her. I didn't.

I just thought it would be better when she accepted it willingly.

And I'm not getting any younger too.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am that screwed up as a date or a friend. Because everytime things fall apart, I think it might really be me being the root of the problem than others. I have yet to say "I screwed up" all these while, probably believing that I'm not the one that's wrong.

Perhaps after being single for so long, I'm starting to believe that something is really wrong with me.

So tell me truthfully, is something really wrong with me?

"Why you sound so serious?"

I'm not trying to brush the blame off me or trying to defend myself but yea it's my fault, I know it. It's not like I really want to go back there anymore anyway, and if you've ever reflected upon yourself, there are a lot more people who shares my point of view about you. It's just something about you that I cannot get over, or let it pass.

Let's face it, you get superbly, overly defensive over yourself or subjects with a correlation to you very quickly when we talk. Not that it's a bad thing being defensive, but it's not about shoving your views and ideas down one's throat as though it's the best medicine. We just want you to understand our point of view. I've tried so many times in vain that I'm pretty much non-chalant now. Whatever happens, I just take it in. Not that I'm agreeing that you're right, but just 'cause I'm just too tired to argue about anything with you.

That aside, I think I've changed too much over the past year. Maybe it was because I was relying so much on my friends regarding my own issues that I thought I was a burden. Through time, I stop telling friends about my issues when I'm out with my friends hanging out and shit like that. I didn't want to feel like a reliant person that dampens the mood. I start to pick myself up, and if I can't, I'll just let throw myself into the abyss and let all the shit happen.

That probably made me believe that we should deal with our own shit, because shit happens to you when you stir it, knowingly or unknowingly. I know it sounds ridiculous but back then when we're stirring shit unknowingly, we don't stop to think about the possible consequences because those probably seem like small matters to you back in the past. We didn't really care anyway. And when the disastrous scenario came smacking right into your face, you wouldn't understand why you deserve this.

Not that anyone deserves shit to be smeared all over their face, but I always think that whatever you do has an outcome, positively or negatively. It's just a cause-and-effect theory. Luck plays a part as an efficient cause, an external entity that could've catalyse the change. So as your intention fuels your actions, the result may turn out the way you expected, or it could churn out a whole lot of bullshit that you least expected to happen, which draws me back to what I believe (actually, I'm not too sure about my belief about this idea), "We deal with out own shit because we made that happen".

It made me to believe that people shouldn't be overly reliant on others to deal with their own problems because the problems manifested because of what people did. And I shut out some of my closer friends when they tell me about their problems. Also, I'm so used to facing the problem now and dealing with it quick so it doesn't drag on and made my mind so messed up that I thought people would feel the same too. I still don't understand why people don't deal with problems immediately, but I guess there are people who needs more time to deal with the situation. I'm probably just blinded by my own idea that dealing with situation immediately will grant immediate release. Still, I'd prefer dealing with problems immediately, probably makes me feel better since there's a closure, good or bad.

For now, I guess I should tweak my mind a little and stop being such a selfish bitch. Doesn't hurt to listen hor? That is unless someone has really bad English la. Bah my ears.

"If happy ever after still exists, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song and I'll be sick."

Doesn't matter, I've tried. Sometimes, you can't force things out of it.

Mmm delicious.

I have an honest love for jockeys (boxer-briefs). I think it's so mildly seductive that it's so spicily sexy. I'm not making sense here but I think I should buy ah boy a few pair of jockeys. And I have a great feeling that there'll be a "surprise" tonight. We'll see about that.

Can't wait for my birthday this year. I want a hot ASIAN stripper. Not too ripped, not too flabby, I'd say Hwanhee will be good.

Like I've said, jockeys are the best.

Also, a body not too ripped and not

too flabby like his is the best.

"Let the heart rest. Let the music come from around you and let it fill the ears."

I never noticed when it began that your laughter fill my heart with so many colours I never knew existed. You told me that if only things were simpler than they were, that we would've lived on an entirely different and happier life than we are right now, and it could be just you and me; two people sharing different ideals, bodies and minds that weaved almost perfectly into each others' lives.

I never knew I could still continue to give in and go the extra mile in for love's sake, that I would do so much just to see a person smile again. I thought I wouldn't be able to deal with myself. After all, it's been 3 attempts to try to be the one for others: an ex-boyfriend, and 2 others that probably didn't even want to consider accepting my emotions for them.

Maybe I had just packed myself with work and that helped me moved on. Maybe I am just being very silly because like you've said, "You deserves someone better". Maybe I just really miss you too much my heart decided to help me get through my agony.

Or maybe I still do miss you so much my heart is just as confused as my mind.
Or maybe, I just think too much.

Is being in love a natural emotion, or something that we were taught by the society while growing up in it?

He realized only after a long search that no one can stop suffering; one has to go beyond it.

How do you go beyond suffering? You have to learn to stop wanting things. First, you realize that nothing we touch, or see, or hear, or smell, or taste, will last forever. Things we perceive will only pass away after awhile. Flowers fade, parents die, the sun sets. Next, you know that the things you want will only satisfy your desire just for a period of time. As you fulfilled your wishes, you begin to want more, just to give yourself that temporal fabricated reality of happiness and the cycle continues.

In this never ending pursuit of happiness, what one goes through isn't towards happiness. Instead, it is a cruel path of suffering.

Boy you got my heartbeat running away.

You know, I can't say no when you in particular say please (:

This song that has a line like "maybe i've fallen in love with you" or something like that. Can't remember but godddddddd i must remember and post it on facebook like an idiot or sommin.

Mm, fresh young meat.

It's getting old but yes I'm going to get things started now. It's time I get my fat ass off the comfort to start working out and start working on it. Also, maybe try to get some fresh young meat hahaha.

Goddammit I like people who're so focussed when studying.

HIV Competition lolwut

The kids are going to have their competition next week. Hopefully they can have a good performance with everything running smooth. Well, at least they are easy to manage.

I get annoyed at times with people talking about Gen Z and Gen Y kids, because have they forgotten who raised us up? Well, once you realise it, stop complaining and do things right.

Skylight

I haven't been in theatrical productions for quite sometime. I'm still quite surprised as to why V would ask me to direct the drama for her because I, obviously, has never been familiar with stage directing and dramatic acting. Nevertheless, I've decided to give extra focus on this stage play because I see potential in some of the kids. Might be yelling at them soon if I don't see improvement, and I hope I'm not going to portray myself as "that asshole, Mr Ryuu (or Guo Wei, however they want to call me)".

There is this one kid who surprised me with her level of maturity and ideas in her mind that sets her apart from the other 16-year-old. Kind of like a 16 year old me, she reminded me of myself when I was her age. This kid has the blueprints for dreaming the impossible, and the courage to be alone in her thoughts. Being ostracized in school, yet believing in herself that she is stronger and better. I'm starting to take a liking into this kid.

I've laid out a somewhat general plan of the marinating the kids I'm working with before I start grilling them. I hope they can take it, cause if they can't, there's no hope.

You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel.

You didn't actually cared right from the beginning, did you?

Perhaps. Maybe.

I've always been so self-righteous, but I might be just a terrible person after all. Which probably explains why I am single, and why my ex and I are not close at all.

Resolutions for the year.

1) Treat those who're close to me the way they deserves to be treated.
2) Help all the people who needs my help when it's within my capabilities.
3) Get the right mindset whatever I'm dealing for the day.
4) Prioritize and manage money well.

This post is dedicated to the annoying little fucks.

It's damn pretty frustrating to see lotsa people posting "This post is dedicated to my bestiebestbestbesties for being there when I needed you/all of you", "This is dedicated to my honeybunsugartitsjigglypuff for loving me happy 3rd day anniversary", "Valentine's day is near, I just want to let ALL my friends on my Facebook, and all my followers, and every single person I actually don't care about, that I love you guys!". No really, it fucking pisses me off. Not that it's a bad thing to spread the love but first of all you lack that sincerity. Also, why dedicate to all your followers on twitter or some of your "friends" on Facebook when you don't even actually fucking bother to communicate with them on a deeper level on normal occasions? And while regarding your own friends, I don't think you have to "dedicate" any posts because they don't mean no shit. We are all human beings, your friends will know whether or not they've been treated just the way friends are supposed to be treated that way. There's no fucking need to tell the whole world if you've done it right.

Oh and also, while celebrating happily Saint Valentine death's, also think about those people who had been suffering from the wounds you inflicted. Because of your ignorance, irresponsibility and immaturity, these people have the bear the burden of an anguished heart and a tormented soul.

Reflect on what you've done that made people dislike you, though you probably would've known because there are certain people who cares about you, who would tell you what you've done wrong. True friends never tell you that "There's nothing wrong with you" because they know that no one is perfect. It is because of such imperfections that we have that our friends understand why people dislike us; it is because these people aren't able to see beyond the imperfections.

Change yourself for the better. And don't go crazy over the "people should love me for who I am". Yes, you may not please everybody, but that doesn't remain a reason for you to continue being ignorant and irresponsible.

Be true to yourself. Only you control what truth and lies coming out from your mouth. Stop lying to people that loves you. Stop hurting them. Stop pushing them away. Apologies will not work on broken hearts unless the actions you do reflects your words. Stop apologising, start working on your apologies through actions.

Love your friends and start treating them the way they deserves.

Words aren't enough to

Dy and I were talking about how people take promises so lightly and believe that by just mere words, it is enough an insurance for others. We agreed on the part about actions needing to follow through words. Just as how we say "seeing is believing", not "hearing is believing".

Anyway, I whipped up a cheesy mushroom soup and linguine bolognese for cousin's birthday. It was good. I should start cooking.

Anyway, I hope you had a good fuck.

I heard stories, and I believed them because he is a law student and I am just a nobody. The "class status" (which is non-existent in my eyes) is too much a disparity. It's not like I'm bitter about seeing you with him, I just felt disappointed because you promised you'd make it up to me a month or two back, but you never did. And that was a second time you promised but never did. And now you're with someone new, or so the stories went.

I hope you understood why I told you "It's up to you if you want to make it up for me, you don't have to promise me because you should know by now that I take promises very seriously. If I promised, I would definitely do it, and this is the only expectation I have for you. Even if you promised now, I'd not put too much seriousness in what you said unless you really keep your promise. I'm tired of disappointment from all the promises people around me give."

Because you never did keep your promises to me.

I had the weirdest dream ever.

Conspiracy theory. Saved mother while crying in tears. The end.

what's in your head, zombie?

I just hope friends are doing well, even though they're not...? Everyone seems to be feeling shitty as much as I am. I'm becoming more selfish, because I simply can't deal with other's shit anymore. I feel so tired and so drained every single day and I've been asked for the umpteenth time by my course in-charge whether or not I need a long break from school because every single day I appear as though I'm occupied in my thoughts with other things.

I feel so fucked just so you know. Meh but I'm surviving.

Can he do all these things?

Like we used to.

i hate it when

Jealousy pops out from no where, really ._.

Anyway, we were talking about first impression and shit, and I think I've always left a very bad impression. Oh well.