"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

You know, the thing I really hate about shity situations while clubbing is that they strike anytime. I'm still quite amazed that I could feel the attack coming and building up before it actually happened, then again, there's no stopping to it. Last night was probably one of the shittiest nights, but it was still fun prior to whatever that happened.

And oh, my phone is stolen, again. God, how much I hate this.

9 Monsters.

It's been awhile since I partied, and last night was particularly, well, insightful? It opens my eyes up to a lot of things.



As usual, feeling down and shit, I've been asking around "Hey just a question, would you date me?" to friends around. Quite an even mix of Yes' and No's, and one of the more common reason for the No's is the fact that they feel there's nothing common to talk about, or about them barely knowing much about me to know if I'm their type. One of my friend pointed out to me that I did too much of knowing others, but I barely let anyone know about myself.

Anyway, so many shit to deal with and I'm feeling so blargh. Imma play Pokemon games to kill the shitty feeling, meh.

It's been forty-two months since may but it still feels like yesterday.

I always feel that things are turning to shit and the world is against is but, fuck, I know I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately and procrastination is another thing I'm very capable of. I know at least most of the shit going on is caused by my own misjudgment of my own abilities.

*inserts cliche caption for above photo*

Oh my aunt-in-law and uncle's wedding photo btw =]

Anyway, uncle's wedding (might not be fantastic), but it was really sweet and quite fun actually, with quite a lot of shit going on. I was helping to snap the shots for their traditional Chinese wedding ceremony, or whatever you call that, and I couldn't help realise how insensitive my aunt-in-law's family members are. Or at least I suppose they are the extended family members of hers. During the entire ceremony, there wasn't attention paid to them, everybody else was just minding their own business and only the bridesmaids was engaging the groom and buddies to play the games. Also, the groom's buddies are NOT very participating at all, maybe it's just their age (oops).

Wedding dinner was almost perfect, if not for the drunk fucks. I was supposed to help serve some hard liquor for my uncle's friends and I got barraged by insults for not pouring more into the already full glasses. It wasn't even 2 dishes past into the 9 course meal and they're already drunk and causing a lot of disturbance. I decided to bite my tongue instead of theirs, and resist the urge to remind the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about feisty-drunkards.

Sang a song with my sister on the stage during the wedding dinner, and I think that cheered me up a lot more. Didn't think I sounded great, but there wasn't any cutie to impress anyway, so I didn't really give a shit. Oh and did I mention how terribly delicious the food is? God, that's the reason why I go to wedding dinner. And the wedding photos are so cute!

Someday, I wanna do that too. But for now, fucking tests and exams and shit. Then NS. Then work. Then find boyfriend. Then see how things go.

Can't believe time flies and I'm turning 20 in seven months' time. Fuck.

FAG FAG FAGGGGGGGS

I fucking hate it when people use your laptop, and then they fucking close the entire opened tabs of internet browsers you left open for revisiting later. OR when they start exploring the contents of your laptop without your consent. Seek help for it bitches _|_

On the side note, I hate this NO WIFI HOTSPOTS AVAILABLE moments. Fucking wish there's a Starbucks (with WiFi) or Old Town White Coffee (with fucking WiFi).


So much in my mind I don't know what to start with, but I'll leave it for another day. I need a fag now badly, and you too.

"The world goes on with or without me"

I can't wait, actually, butterflies in my stomach and shit (also, prolly some more partly-digested food that needs to be thrown up soon). For now, I should just rest and wait, 'cause I just ingested some sleep-inducing pills. And yea, I'm sleeping early, that's something new.

Arts, Design and Make-out.

First party experience with baby love Rae and it was more than fun, and indefinitely enjoyable (except the kissing thing). I felt slightly awkward there though haha, cause I'm not from ADM and shit, but twas good to make new friends and shit. There was this perturbingly faggot who pulled me to him and kissed me, with the tongue and all, I was surprised at first but I wanna just let it pass like that cause you know people get drunk and shit. I only kiss girls when I'm drunk, not guys, even if they are gay. Anyway, the people I've kissed last night were really bad aggressive kissers they bit my lips lotsa times -.- Fuck anyway, back to the douchebag, I heard that he was attached to this other guy and shit and I began to feel fucked up. It's crazy when you think about what really governs these people. Definitely not order and discipline, more like wild trashy fun (in a sexual way, too). And I wonder why people are like this.

Anyway, fuck that shit. Lotsa cute boys last night, shan't complain. Woo. I loooove ADM.

blargh.

It's a wonder how looking at your photos still makes me smile and making me feel all funny inside and I'm missing you. Yes as much as I say I can't bring myself to trust you, but that doesn't mean I've stopped loving you.

Nyan nyan nyan.

iPhonez

SURPRISE! Daddy sent my phone for repair even though I said I didn't want it anymore. I appreciate these little things daddy do for me as much as I dislike him nagging at me all the time. I'm lost for words, woofoo iPhone! =]

Shit just got real.

SCREW THE WANDS, GUNS FTW.

I'd watched the full harry potter film series (only until now), and I thought it was extremely dull. I want to see action packed fighting, not wands waving and short duels. Anyway, I realised that I have this new-found obsession with games. I'm beginning to see the entertainment value in gaming. Not that I haven't seen it before but, it only applies to Heroes of Might and Magic series, The Elder Scrolls series, Pokemon series, Monster Hunter series, Assassins Creed series and just some other random RPG/Action/Adventure games.

I've also been trying to find Runaway: A Road Adventure and it's sequel (can't remember the name) but it was released way long ago. 2D graphics with a minimal 3d environment. Detective game thing. If anyone can find where to purchase it, do tell me! :D

Also, I need to fucking play Dragon Age/Dragon Age 2, Prototype. I'm waiting for The Secret World and Skyrim to be releaseddddddd <3

Kiss the rain, just fucking kiss it.

Why can't you just stop thinking so much, stop feeling pathetic about yourself and learn to live life as it is? If you have the courage to take on the pills and hold that blade, why can't you channel those courage into accepting change and making your life better? There's Gotta Be More To Life, if you haven't heard that song yet.

If you can't take the pain of it anymore, then, share it with someone you trust alot. Don't go bearing the weight of the burden all by yourself. Cheesy as it sounds, that's what friends are for, right?

There'll be days like this, when rain seems to wash away everything, but there're some things that will be washed away only if you let it. There are some things that'll be gone before you could even reach and drag it back, but rain will never be able to wash away your heart and your soul. If there are days that make you feel that rain is washing away everything, look right back at you and you'll see that there are still things even more precious than those you've lost, and those are the days when you have all the more reason to say, "Thank you", because there is nothing more beautiful than the way oceans refuses to kiss the shoreline no matter how many times they've been sent away.

If there are days when you feel that the rain is nothing more but a mockery from heaven, beating down on you because of you losing things you deem as important, and you're up to your knees and disappointment, Thank the rain for coming down because, rain is just washing away your tears, and it is a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain. If the rain is mocking you, that's because you let it. The rain is nothing more but a gift of life from heaven, so don't think otherwise, because the rain is you.

Fragile Shit.

iPhone is so fragile, I swear on my life I'm not getting an iphone again, unless I have the moolah. It dropped. I don't mind a cracked screen, but a few tiny pieces of its innards fell out and bitch can't be switched on anymore. It dieddddddd R.I.H to my iphone. R.I.H means Rest in Hell actually.

Fuck Apple for coming up with these fragile shit. I remember my friend's Macbook AIR snapped into 2 parts. And it wasn't even equal parts. Oh yea, the money invested into that Macbook just vanished into thin air alright. Neat shit? Fuck you, Apple.

I want to change to black fucking berry.

Sometimes I feel fake, smiling and joking all the time. Then again, there's no point showing your unhappiness and disapppointment to those around you. It doesn't do anything. Also, I need to stop procrastinating.

I can't wait for Japanese language class tomorrow, and I hope the teacher is some cute shit. I don't want an old hag for the lesson. Also, I think I will try to keep my excitement to myself, I might just drain the energy from people around being so energetic.

And yes, I'll start posting some visuals again (don't criticize too harshly, I'm just an amateur =[ ). Meanwhile, just think about the following question:

Who are you?

Done deal.

At some point, I knew I need to stop and walk away. It's not like I've given up and shouldn't try again. There's a difference between determination and desperation. What is mine will truly be mine someday, and what is not will never be, no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes I wonder if it has anything got to do with me. Am I just not hot enough? Am I not lean enough? Am I too skinny, or am I too fat? Am I ugly because I'm scarred above my eyebrow, or was it my nose that is too big? Is it because of how effeminate I sound when I talk, or is it because of my effeminate behaviour? Am I too loud, or am I too quiet and boring? I know that'll be a vicious cycle, but I know I'll try to change without losing who I am.

Then again, I have much better things to do than wasting time on things that stops me from moving forward. Right now, I'm just excited and I can't wait for that to get started :-)

It's just hard to tell someone you really like them a lot, but at the same time be gentlemen about it. I'm alright if they don't like me, it's just so hard for me to tell them, and seeing them makong out with someone like me hurts me, despite knowong we're not together and tgey're not obliged to behave like one that belongs to me alone. Yes i do get jealous but I am but human. I only blame myself for being unable to convey my feelings to the other party.

I hate myself for leaving him in the party and not sending him home, but I cannpt bring myself to see more of the kissing action. I am a coward, aint I?

At this moment, I can't help but feel thankful to have a sister whom I feel so close with. Despite the cold shoulders we have for each other, I know she cares for me a lot, for she was the one who pulled my body off the ledge, even to the point of shouting at those who taunt me to jump. She was the only one in my true family to come to my rescue without question or doubts. I do love her a lot, and I hope I had more to offer her for her help.

I love her, and I do hope to stop depending on her, as well as my other family members. Hopefully, things take a better turn.

Who's that Pokemon? It's Koffing and Weezing!

I've been coughing like a little bitch and this is not good. I have so many things to do but I'm just this sick little bitch so I shan't do anything for these few days, lest I cough out blood.

I've realised a lot of things these few days :

- I've been a meal or less everyday.

- I've lost a lot of mass, about 8kg since last year.

- As much as I say that I'll retract from moving deeper into love once I figure something is wrong, I still won't. This motherfucker is just addicted to the feeling of having butterflies in the stomach.

- I think I'm very forgiving and trustful, either that or I just don't give a shit anymore.

- Anime characters have fucking 100 gallons of blood in their body. It just can't seem to run out.

- People start guessing me at an older range, initinally 18-22 age range, occasionally 25/26. Now people will start their guessing game from 25 onwards.

- I procrastinate a lot, and this is fucking bad.

- I no longer make breakfast/lunch/dinner for my crush. Neither do I brew herbal tea, sugared honey drinks. I'll probably never deliver random gifts or food to their doorsteps anymore, unless this someone is worth doing all these things for.

and maybe a cupla of other stuff but I just can't seem to remember any anyway. Lotsa reflection to do, but first I'll just try and get better.

Lick ma batteries.

Im going to try and get a goatee and have a toned body. Gimme just 3months, we'll see how this goes.

Yea I gotta pay for everything in my life, not that I mind but I know I needa control my expenditure. But I've never asked anything too much, at least I don't ask for a laptop, a desktop, a camera, an iphone, money to buy clothes etc. But you expecting me rolling in big bucks is probably a little too much.

Actually you know what, I'm through this.

Shit happens and if u've never been through the situation, dont go tell someone frail to " think of those people starving in africa" "those who cant have three meals a day" "those who are disabled" because u've never beed through their situation neither had I, so i cant understand and connect to them, neither can you. Be honest, if u havent been through that, shut the fuck up if u cant say anything else. I admit i havent been through the shittiest life, but i wouldnt say that it isnt shitty.

In other words, theres alot of self-hating going about, but its not something i can even control. Be it past present or future, things are the way it is, a fucking downward spiral. Is that good nuff for u?

If you see him,

Tell him there is a tambourine in my heart, and yes he still shakes me. Last night I felt the trembles beneath my skin that screams a silent fear and whisper a deafening love. Love, a trap door of light even when it's gone it's somewhere. If you see him, tell him there are snowflakes in my tongue I want to melt in his inner thigh, there are rib bones I want to tickle like a piano, so that musical score starts forming in his lungs and make him sing a song of love.

If you see him, tell him we make everything so complicated, sometimes the message in the bottle is don't drink so much. There's too much detergent for a frail heart. Rain will wash away his tears, but it brings him the greatest fears. Tears never show in the pouring rain, but there are deserts out there that dries his tears so quick and pulls him into a burning passion of love, sometimes so overbearing, he can't escape from the fire.

If you see him, tell him that the moon is his fault, moons that I called "Oh fuck" and "Oh shit". I want to tear off my skin and make him wear it, so that I can feel him from the front and the back of my body at the same time. There are times when I look at you and I can't even think straight, and I don't even mean it in the gay way.

If you see him, tell him I said Hi.

Somethings are just uncalled for.

I'm probably gonna steal a DSLR soon. Wait for it. Haha!

Take me by the tongue and I'll show you.

I had quite a number of good talks lately. I can just sum up all these conversations with "People who gives less always have the last say in a relationship and people who constantly gives are always on the disadvantage".


Oh, and I got intoxicated again. Not that I was drunk but I tend to blabber a lot of bullshit.

People just don't meet people organically anymore. It is as if the social media platform is very feasible for making friends.

People change, and it's quite amazing at the rate certain people can change. Yea, people change, now I'm a lamp.

Eat more food.

Been eating a meal a day or less, sometimes after eating a meal, i'll have the urge to put two fingers down my throat. I know it's getting bad, but I couldnt care any less.

It's good when your working environment has cuties, awesome adrenaline pumping when you see them. You just want to squish their faces and nibble on their cheeks.

I don't feel well rested enough. I think it's because of alcohol that I can sleep better. Shiet.

Crumble like sugar, but sweet like sugar.

At some point in life, our lives are thrown into a void of pitch-black, and it wasn't just any simple darkness of night cloaked above our heads. In the void, we hear voices, fear and loss. Losing what many would have taken for granted and never thought they would ever lose.

And then my heart sank and my mind blanked. What is going to become of me? And what is going to become of everyone around me. Just what is going to happen? People come and go and love walks right out the door the minute you leave that door unlocked. Not literally, of course.

You feel and think about how unfair life has been. Who said its never been this way? If life was fair, there wouldn't be a wedge driving the rich and poor apart. There wont be the healthy and the sickly. You won't see where many of us are today. Life, indeed is unfair, but the irony of it all is that when you actually sit down and start giving thought to what life really is all about, time tend to swift past no slower than you can gulp down that cup of warm milk before bed time. There's so much to life that we all tend to overlook, and there's so much to this overlooking that we neglect.

Just what is worth dying for?

Long time ago, I found a precious thing that i wont truly trade for anything in this world, and if you'd ask me whether I've truly loved before, why don't you take some time off to reflect on whether you have truly loved before? Of course, i must say - my idea of love is not limited to romantic love and pure lovemaking. Also, it is quite upsetting to know that people around me associate love with whom they're infatuated with or lust for.

Afterall, love is not about possessing. if we want what we want, thats wanting, not loving.

Surely, I dont really understand the whys and hows of love. It's just something so magical. There is indeed so much to know about love and so much for love to find its way to us. That night when you held me a glass jar of love, I didn't even notice that a chocolate brownie trapped in it. I was just too mesmerized with your presence. I had to look around for a very long while before stealing a kiss from your lips. That chocolate brownie lasted inside my room for a week, before I got too lazy to buy packed dinner. When I take a bite into the pastry, I realised that love isn't always so magical. Sometimes, it's just melting.

Go think about it, and let that marinate a little bit. Come to a conclusion of your own. Love can be subjective, but it can be so universal too.

Of course, even if love gets washed away by the rain in the path of life, as long as we're true to each other, nothing beats having close friends you can really count on, for there is nothing more beautiful than how the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it's been sent away.

Throwing away fear

"I definitely will not deny that bolsters do make good sleeping partners, but there are just some things our bolsters cannot do. Bolsters do not have arms that will hug you safely to sleep, neither are bolsters able to give you a goodnight kiss before you close your eyes, whispering those three sweet words into your ears as you slowly drift off to slumberland.

And thats not all.

Sometimes your bolsters even end up on the floor when you wake up. In the mornings, bolsters cannot tell you that you look beautiful even though your eyes can barely open, your hair's in a total mess and not to mention, having rancid breath."

I promise, I promise, I swear on my life

What is a promise when you can't keep it?
And what is trust then?
Just sayin'.

Oli Gummy.

Been folding paper origami. Somehow, doing that helps me get over shitty feelings and that's prolly cause i incidentally injected the feelings into those origami (and that probably explained why they looked so ugly).

Anyway, I'm tryna find sites/books that teaches the techniques of origami folding, any idea where I can get good ones?

Do you like me now?

I'm so tired these days, and I can't help feeling shitty about myself. I still feel that I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough, blablabla.

Feels like people don't seem to have the time for me, even though sometimes I do know they're really busy. Feels like people are living in their own shared time, but I' living in a time that doesn't resonate with theirs. Feels like people rather hang out with others than myself. Feels like people are getting further and further away from me. Feels like I should start feeling contented alone.

I think I'm just paranoid.

Why do I do that? Why did I do that?

Went down to Raindrops cafe last night for a drink or two. Pretty decent place, and I like the ambiance there. Multiple thumbs up.



It is quite heart-wrenching to see my friends cry, because I know there's nothing I can do to help them. We've probably made so many mistakes in life that we regret doing, and there are times you know you've been given chances to make things right, but instead of putting things in order, you worsened the situation. Then there are times when we've put down our pride to make things right but we're denied for even just one chance.

Do you know that

You can say no to certain drugs pharmacies gives you? Haha, I didnt take lozenges and painkillers today when I visited the doctor. That's saving up $5! :D

Tangled hearts

It caught my attention when they were talking about parnet-child relationships and stuff. I thought parts of what they were saying were ridiculous, even though it's not that hard to believe anyway. I just didn't want to think about it, after all, I think it's natural for us to look after our parents when they're older. It's family after all, and "Family means not leaving one behind".

I checked my tonsils this morning. It was curdling up lotsa deposits and curling into a grotesque form. Almost like a demonic infestation inside me, pretty much gross. I just wanna scrape that shit off.

We're just breakable girls and boys.

Oh the worst feeling ever is wanting to puke, but you can't puke shit. I puked out some blood just now, and liquid, I think it's water and the gastric juices (smells really bad). Now I can't focus in class.

On the side note, have you ever thought about what protect our hearts?

Bloody Tonsils

When I tell my background to others, they always thought that the more they find out about me, the more they think life's been unfair to me, and that it's hard for me. I wouldn't want to think that life's been hard on me, I guess I'm lucky enough to have a family and close friends anyways. Even though I feel detached from 'em sometimes, but it's just another passing feeling, since I prefer to be alone most of the times.

And I don't like it when people pity me. I tell you not to get pity from you, it just shows how I trust you as a friend (but most of the times, I tell stories only 'cause I'm intoxicated -.- lucky bitches). So don't do that, 'cause I think it's condescending.

Anyway, I was brushing my tonsils and I scraped out a piece of the "stones" there on the walls. Looks fucking gross and smells really bad. But I have bleeding tonsils now 'cause of it. Ergh. Feels so much better though.

I just want to see you.

If you wouldn't mind me,

NEW SKETCHBOOK FUCK YEA! :D

The bottom of Pandora's box.

As I walked through Brighton Crescent's area tonight with Baby Rae, I wondered if I would ever live in a private estate in my "dream house". After all, as middle-income earners, we'll always be earning only enough to make ends meet, and our savings will be minimal. Climbing the corporate ladder will take years of effort. We'll always be so far away from the so called "financial freedom". It's not that a luxurious and glamorous lifestyle is the way to go, but I always believe that people work towards "financial freedom" so that they're able to invest more time into their own passion, family and friends.

Many people say that entrepreneurship and business rolls in big money, which is one of the pathway towards financial freedom. But even so, you need to have a monetary capital, no matter the size of the business. It'll be hard to start a business, even if it is in the simplest form. Time and monetary investments requires alot of consideration and weighing of the pros and cons before they could actually start it. If the business fail, then it's just a big loss and they're back to square one. And this is for just the middle-income family. Needless to say, it's unimaginable what tough lives people from the low-income family goes through every single day. Without luck, what the low-income family go through will be but a vicious cycle of society's cruelty.

Having said that, I know there is hope. I know of a lot of angels out there helping people, and these angels are gonna start a new generation of heroes, no matter how small their contribution may be.

I was working this other day, and I saw this elderly man struggling to hang the Singapore flag at midnight, and I was thinking to myself why he'd push himself so much to finish a job when he could do it the next day. He had a bandage over an injury over his knee, and had difficulty carrying his tools while climbing up the ladder. Of course, I offered to help with Dave, but it just makes me feel sad that he has to work despite his age and the late hours.

Can I just say, and I'm just being honest

that I feel so old, because I can never withstand long days active for more than 16hours a day.

Let's just pray

I'm gonna stick to this momentum to just keep going. And honestly, NS may make a boy a man, or prepare you for the working society, or lets you understand how the outside world is like, or understand discipline, or make one feel more attached to Singapore, or to prepare us (boys & men) to defend Singapore,

I don't see a fucking point when all of the above statement doesn't even work out to half the people who went NS. Singapore has no need to be defended, because after all, there's a dwindling local population with a diabolic infestation of foreigners, it's probably less than 50% of the whole population is defending Singapore when that happens. Afterall, there are 974 males per 1000 females in Singapore population in 2010. Maybe about 10% are foreigners coming from all over the place. So that leaves with less than 50% of the population defending Singapore. And I haven't counted in those who're not-fit-to-serve-the-country (which includes the elderly, so,

WE'RE FUCKED ANYWAYS WHY BOTHER D:

Even foreigners are overrunning our parameters... What amazing spies they are. Told'ya we're doomed.

Abyssal fart?

I feel like I've been sucked into a flux vortex and I'm being flung about like a rag doll. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing (especially in school). I feel like I'm wasting my life away while others are on a constant move to a destination they envisioned. Gotta meet the Dean (I think?) or the course manager with Mom and Mr Leong to see what they can do for me.


"And twenty thousand rocks dislodged themselves from a sturdy cliff and flew, rolled, tumbled... crashed down upon her."


Whaddafuck I don't wanna meet because you know they don't work out at all. And no I doubt there's anything you could do for me when I am feeling too lost. The only question running on my mind is "Shall I quit school and go NS?", which the following question will pop-up "If I do, what's next?". I feel like Sun Wu Kong under the Five-fingers mountain. There's this huge amount of stress amassing from the lecturers and parents I figured as much they're gonna escalate my anxiety and stress in me as much as they wanted to help.

I wouldn't know what to say when I'm meeting the three 'em demons. Probably just gon' say my prayers and pray they end the session quick.

Can't draw shiet zzz

Nu' tin' 's ever e' nuff, s', fuck 'tis 'n make merry \m/

Everything ran on nigga-watts.

I've been cutting down a lot on smoking. Then I realised that I didn't exactly cut down, because I'm just raising my no. of sticks a day and lowering it. But at this point of time, I'm really really bent on cutting down on cigarettes because I don't want it to hinder me singing :P Also, because I've met someone new.


Interviewed for DFS and hopefully my schedule next month will be just a perfect one so that I could work at DFS. Then again it's no rush, because my holidays are coming anyway, I'll be free to get a new job then.


I realised that I don't gossip/bitch about things that much anymore. Oh shiet. D:

Someone's crying.

"Did you realise how sadly you call the name of a man so distant from you, in the past? "

I've been through so many meetings and partings. They're like a heavy secret, but when I started to talk about them, they seem to sparkle, and I couldn't put them into words.

You spin me around so fast that I always wake up dizzy.

I discovered a lot of cute boys recently. Does this mean I've a wider range of taste now, or I'm goddamn desperate?

Nomnomnom

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"Fuck" cause this is a bitchy post

So, what's the big hype about a single word? It's immature to judge a person because of what choice of words she use. Besides, you've got to really give it to her that she can connect with the audience much better than any other speakers I've seen, and that statement was really apt and packs a punch.

There're a lot of comments about her saying that she's the valedictorian, she's a graduate she should choose her words wisely, she's rude, there's an appropriate time for appropriate words, she's this and she's that but I don't think at all her choice of words make her who she is. She carries herself well enough to meet the "standards" in giving a speech and whatever she says must definitely be heartfelt. You could see the excitement, how she fidgets a little when she talks about personal stuff, how she couldn't stop smiling even though she is in front of a huge audience. I say she's really good, fuck yea ;D

After all, it's not your convocation, it's not your speech, so why bother? And to those people who says "future employers, watch out where your student come from", "so this is what kind of students NTU nurtures, i will not send my child to this school", "no wonder Singapore is far from a first class country" :

What the fuck?

'nuff said because any persons who read critically at what you're saying will know that you're going to the extreme at pre-judging, and that is ridiculous. I wonder why your employer actually employs you for such shallow thoughts, what your schools teach you to be this way, and oh, because of you and your "similar kind of people" who have to find something to complain, going to the furthest corner you can find for criticisms to be crazy-assed distorted from what you really feel, no wonder Singapore is far from a first class country.

Haha 'nuff said 'nuff said 'nuff said, so bitchy today.

Fleeting sanity perhaps.

"Apparitional experiences is a type of hallucinatory experience occurring to sane people is the, which may be defined as one in which a subject seems to perceive some person or thing that is not really there. Self-selected samples tend to report a predominance of human figures, but apparitions of animals, and even objects are also reported. It is interesting to note that the majority of the human figures reported in such samples are not recognised by the subject, and of those who are, not all are of deceased persons; apparitions of living persons have also been reported."


I know there's a free bird that's willing to listen to my cries of midnight horrors, and even as it flies away in a distance, it'll come back when it hears my songs. That's satisfying enough.

Kay Sarah Sarah.

"Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal."

nibblenibble

They said, "Vincent Van Gogh, you only have one ear, you can't be a great artist." He said, "I can't hear you."


So when anyone tries to put you down, you give them a sucker punch.

P.S., I wanna get one too.

I'm getting things on my hand and working towards it. Well, it's about time anyway, so no more procrastination. Besides, I gotta get a whole stash of money poured out for my nose job. I wanna look like Takeshi Kaneshiro LOL.

HIYASHI CHUKA SOBAAAAAAAA

Oh have I ever mentioned that it I'm constantly craving for Hiyashi Chuka Soba (usually from Sushi Tei? How the cold noodles in tickles your tonsils before sliding down deeper into your digestive tract and leaving behind a refreshed and cooled trail. Oh how each bite of it gives a sweet sanguine embrace of life!

Sweet.

Meow

Consulted a friend's boyfriend, and I was told the same thing, that I worry too much about myself. I worry too much about the unnecessary, that I'm too young, that I'm too immature, that I didnt experience too much in life, even though I really feel so. I was reminded again that age was and never will be a yardstick for maturity. Also, those that aren't wise are constantly thinking that age will determine the level of one's maturity.

It was struck on bull's eye, and I do have to admit that I seek a lot of attention, as much as I want to deny it. Even by posting this, I am already seeking a certain level of attention. I always try to think I'm not, but subconsciously, I really do seek attention because (as read by Terence) I feel insecure about myself and I have very low self-confidence, despite me being outspoken. Terence said that I'm unnaturally outspoken, because what I say are really random, not something that comes from my heart, and that plays a part in determining whether one is truly outspoken and confident or not.

I also learnt that in a way or another, love doesn't really transcend time. Even dust collects after time, and there is no doubt that one will stray away from their loved ones, but the most important thing is to relive the moments you've had when you fall in love. There is a huge different between friends and your lover, because after all you don't experience all the 酸甜苦辣 with your close friends. Maybe just 甜, but you dont experience 酸苦辣. And those usually happens between couples when they quarrel, when they get jealous or when they feel unappreciated.

And that true confidence is really important. It's not about putting up a brave front, but truly loving yourself and loving yourself even with your flaws. Don't worry too much because love is a learning journey for both sides, it need not necessary be the older one teaching the younger one, because both people have different takes in life.

Ah anyways, I felt happy that I've been there with baby Chan and Terence. I really appreciate that.

Kay Sarah Sarah.

This life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get up just so it can kick you in the stomach because by getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt here, that cannot be fixed by bandage or love songs. So when you know when Superman isn't coming, you don't have to wear the cape all by yourself, 'cause no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I tried.

So instead, always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots, because there are no heart-breaks that chocolates can't fix. Right, there's a few heart breaks that chocolates can't fix, but that's what the rain boots are for because rain will wash away everything if you let it. There'll be days like this when you open your hands only to wind up with blisters and bruises, when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape, and the boots are filled with rain and you'll be up to your knees and disappointment, and those are the very days that you have all the more reason to say thank you. Cause there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it's sent away.

And no matter how many times land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called Life. And yes, on a scale of one to over-trusting, I'm pretty damn naive, but know that this world is made up of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. Remember that good things come in threes and, so do bad things, and always apologise when you've done something wrong, but don't you ever need to apologise for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining, and your voice is small but don't ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, and when they slip war and hatred under your door, and offer you handouts at street corners of cynicism and defeat, don't stab yourself with despondency and drown in doubt of self-worth, because when the rain stops falling, the sun will come out and shine again.

Fluffy Siao

One of the most important thing I've ever learnt from books is probably the "1st Habit" from the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Richards Covey.

Be Proactive - Which basically means taking initiative in life by realizing that your decisions (and how they align with life's principles) are the primary determining factor for effectiveness in your life. And one should take responsibility for your choices and the subsequent consequences that follow.

If you ever look around, alot more people are reactive instead of being proactive. Being reactive is letting emotions control you out of rashness and not being level headed, while being proactive is actively stop yourself from being rash and keep your mind in check before making a decision to react or embrace things as it is and deal with it in a more effective manner. That's probably why Rachel and I never quarreled because we never want to react over things and deal a killing blow to our friendship.

Love letter from a bicycle tire to a toothbrush.

If I told you that you were meant for the cleaner life, that I will drag you through the mud, that I would tread all over you, that I would always be chasing, and you always watching me disappear and appear in the midst of searching for myself, and that would be a vicious cycle, would you fall in love with me? Would you care to know about my rough edges and see my not-so-perfect curves? Would you fit into whatever spaces I let you?

If loving me means getting dirty, would you knowingly let the grime slow you down? If I told you that we live in different worlds and we're always really busy, and in even in your dreams I spin you around so fast you always wake up dizzy, would you caress me and tell me it's gonna be okay, even if I am a burden of indefinite weight, unmeasurable even with love?

There is this constant overbearing feeling inside me, but I never want to talk about it. Perhaps, you could say that in our lives, there'll only be a certain number of people that you care a lot for, so much that you feel worth in self-sacrificing. We know there's no Superman flying to them, but we'll be willing to put on a cape for, yet as we try to fly, we realise that the people we're trying to save are the ones standing on our cape, inhibiting us from moving forward. I've never really liked to depend on, even though it is much easier to depend on others than yourselves, because as much as we try to stretch our hands to catch all the pain falling on us, our hands are only this small and we're unable to grab hold of agony and misery in the heart of our palms.

I never liked to depend on others, because I know that when we depend on others, we feel comfortable, but those people saving us are carrying our burden for us, together with theirs. We are, afterall, humans, and we aren't that strong to sling a baggage behind us and say it's easy. It's not. Because whilst everyone else are constantly on the move in life, people who're helping you through are staying on a constant with you.

I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but just wondering if love truly transcends all, would someone who has been through so much in life ever stay and wait for someone who's in the midst of searching for himself? Because the path to it is weary and probably dreadful anyway, I guess.

Moolah.

I've been working almost everyday now. So tiring but I know it's mandatory. Sucks innit?

Roasted pigeon

Baby Siao and I "caught" a bird by the roadside yesterday. We didn't really catch it, but picked it up from the ground because it seems to have difficulty flying or even moving about. Too bad we didnt have wormdoodles or bird food for it. She said that animals know when they're going to die, and this bird's probably too old to fly and is tryna get to a place to hibernate-till-it-dies.

How do birds die? I always thought they die of hunger once they reach a certain age when they're too old to fly and to get food. Their kids would have probably been grown up and have a nest of their own anyway. Then I realised that it's almost the same for humans. We grow old, and our children would have homes of their own, if we get too old to take care of ourselves, we'll be suffering more than enjoying life.

Fart.

Sheol

A dark and silent abyss, where the souls of the dead wander. My foray into the abyss began with the innocence of a newborn's cry. Each breath brings with it smothering despair. The pain is eternal. What words could I offer when I see you, chasing after a fleeting butterfly, so free and boundless? I'm bound to Earth, amassing a wealth of knowledge, the ultimate equation which barred my path, and the solution. I continued to search for a simple universal answer.

Joy. The joy of life. The pureness of joy in a child chasing after a butterfly, the consummate joy of man that shall never fade. However, the irregular wingbeats of the butterfly give rise to an infinite array of realities. The laws of life sneer at human wisdom. Crises of all kinds are adverted, yet poverty never goes away. Humans devour each other, succumb to disease, and cry out in agony as they die.

Death incarnate, can you hear my voice? Can you hear the grevious sobs of a mourning child? The carcass of the butterfly you have ensured may pale or tear apart, yet still there are those who would defy death. Crushed dreams, brilliant lights are now only the lingering rays of sunset, spread your wings with fear. Take flight, butterfly of despair.

Licking my paws

You retract into yourself and bare your fangs at others, indulging in self-pity and losing yourself.

As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain

There's been a lot more troubling stuff in my mind, which mainly revolves around money. Sucks to be like that :/ Then again, it's much better if you've ever been through this. Haha.

OH OH OH OH

I JUST FINISHED A DIGITAL PAINTING. OMFG I CAN'T WAIT TO POST IT.

Ciao. Gotta sleep before a work marathon of 12hours work consecutively <3

When we scream and shout

I wanna live in Cheydinhal

Cheydinhal river from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

I love the graphics of The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. The art is so much more detailed as compared to The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. It might be affected by the storyline because after all, the locations of the storyline in TES3 and TES4 are in different provinces of the TES world. The architecture in TES3 are somewhat similar in each and every town (again that might be because in the Morrowind province, thus a certain culture in the architecture), but in TES4, the building design varies from different areas. It's due to it being in the central part of the entire continent, that cultures overlapped at the borders, thus the variation of buildings. Pretty amazing and sweet works of art (and concept of the TES universe).

Cheydinhal is the the most beautiful city (though it very much looks like a town) I've seen in TES4. I love the richness of the elements present in the city. Water that streamed through the middle of the city, untouched by constructions unlike the city of Balmora in TES3 in which the river pretty much looks like Singapore river in a more ancient manner. You can see alot of flora around the city of Cheydinhal, and willow trees swaying in the breeze. And the lack of the fire element makes the city looks more peaceful and grounded.

'nuff said, I wanna live there.

Ticks buncha grapes.

You know that kinda feeling when there's someone you feel like having, but then your friend also likes him, and you just feel like giving it up for your friend because you don't wanna spoil a friendship because of a guy? I wonder if anyone felt like this before.

School fees unpaid D: Ohmaigad, and there's not enough money for the next semester. Meh, iz okay, I'm not doing anything for my birthday this year anyway, save money big time.

Tied to cinder blocks, shot in the chest, pushed in the river.

Memories of your ex are kinda like double-edged swords. Reminds you of happy times, but also how the past blasted a crater in your memories so deep that you find it uneasy to deal with anything related to feelings and relationships.

Oh neaat.

I'm sketching a comic strip now. Do you think anybody will buy it as a poster/t-shirt when it comes out full coloured? :O

"Britney! Britney! Why is my wife cheating on me?"

Yea screw the paparazzi, baby. And the hot, yummy, delicious policeman too.

So many things on my mind, I should probably channel them into illustrations.

*insert corny-title*

PinkDot Singapore this year was pretty breath-taking, and I didn't know the size of the dot was almost covering the entire grounds of Speaker's Corner. I thought it was great because I happen to see a lot of female friends from my secondary schools (they probably knew I was gay anyway), and we nodded in acknowledgement.





It's not possible to make everyone "accept" the LGBT community, because after all, it's instinctive for most people to reject what they cannot understand, what they fear, what they are not or cannot be, or what they cannot explain. But I always believe that acceptance is a choice. It is a choice to choose to truly put yourself in other's shoes and see from a different perspective, or to understand things superficially but rejecting ideas in the end and try to be the judge. It is a choice to control yourself and stop verbal abuse on others just because of their sexuality, or to lash it all out. It is a choice to accept; whether it's accepting how it comes about, or just accepting that it is not "abnormal" or "wrong".


Acceptance is a choice, but your sexual preference is not.

You can choose to see that gay men are sexual predators and are dangerous to children, base on one or two instances of media portraying them in this way, or you could choose to see that media is dangerous to children because it portrays gay men as sexual predators.

You, however, cannot choose if you want to fall in love with a man or a woman, or choosing which gender you would actually prefer to shag. If you're a straight man, why will you even consider a man unless you have that inkling feeling that men are what you're actually looking for? (that means you're gay by the way) The same thing goes for both genders.

Some might argue that bisexual have a choice, but no they don't. Sexually, perhaps they can choose a dick over a pussy, or a pussy over a dick but it doesn't mean they can choose to fall in love with a man or a woman. You cannot control who you fall in love with, because when it happens, it happens.

PinkDot to me is so much more than supporting the freedom to love, it is a movement that's telling people to love and accept people as they are, regardless of language, race, religion, body weight, looks, etc. We are but animals after all, and love is one of which that makes us so. Without love, we're just savage beasts that knows no warmth in the heart.

Been spending my time on a visual piece. And games :P The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion is damn fun. I wanna do a digital painting on the towns and cities.

It's the term break (finally). I have so many illustrations I wanna do, and thank god i finally have time to do it.

"But baby... You too fat to fly~"

I feel really tired from school. School feels like a chore and I dread going to school. (OMG JODY DE BROEDER FEEDBACK IS PLAYING NOW!! LOOOOL) Am at may wong cafe, and really need someone to talk to now, but i guess everyone's just indulged in their own happiness or satisfaction to listen to me anyway.

Im considering if I should drop out of my course cause Im losing motivation. I feel tired from school, and I cant focus. Dont know if this is a medical thing but I just feel like Im going to lose it any moment.

Anyway, I was talking to one of the two girls I met last night about my insights about greater powers in the heavens above. I really need one to help me through now. I should probably worship Sophia now for her writing and artscraft.

Words We Literally Use.

"What it means when you say 'Literally' " from theoatmeal.com

The words we use to describe homosexuality reflects on the way we think about things. When we talk about heterosexuality, we talk about wide range of activities. But when it comes to homosexuality, people tend to use more negative connotations and usually focus on the sex part of it. When we talk about heterosexuals, we talk about "relationships", but for the homosexual people, we talk about "sex". We say, "Heterosexual people have a life, homosexual people have a 'lifestyle' ". We say, "Heterosexual people have a moral vision, homosexual people have an 'agenda' ".

Probably someday, I'd get to say "Heterosexuals are caught up in the rapture, homosexuals... everywhere".

"What it means when you say 'Literally' " from theoatmeal.com

Amen.

I rendered my failed Cube Transformer thinggum because there was just no time to do more things. Humph. And I can't seem to make a .gif file out of mpeg4 files on Mac :s Wanted to upload onto the post but... whatever.

OH MY GOD I'M ALMOST DONE WITH PROJECTS. Almost. Just 2 more to go and I'll be an almost-free man. Fufufu.

Family

"We just need this someone we can trust and rely on when we're really fucked, even though we'll do the best we can to not end up being fucked up"

Every puff of smoke is like a problem wafting out from your heart. It was definitely enjoyable, because we had so much to talk about, so many heart-to-heart talks and I felt that we could've been much closer like a family if only we knew each other for a longer period of time. I'm glad that I actually talked about it, because I'll probably feel fucked up if I didn't have the chance to when I was already thinking about it and setting into the mood of emo-ness. Definitely great night, and fuck yea, cheap thrill (not really) baby.

We were talking about how much certain people meant to us, and only a few exceptions whom we trust them that they'll be there when we need them, and we also would be there for them if they ever need us. Then again, we'll be tired out by people who're constantly self-abosrbed into their own problems and issues that they become overly reliant on others and they can't seem to stand on their own anymore. It is heart-breaking to see people fall, yet as much as we want to help them, we're too tired to help them deal with their own problems because we know there's absolutely nothing we can do to help but only listen and give them comfort, which is what they basically need. It's just like how when we get really fucked up in the clubs and we don't really need anything else but the comfort of our friends, and to be held in their arms, and to tell us that everything's going to be fine even if we don't believe in it.

I guess the way we can connect with each other is usually through similar experiences rather than interests. We connect in a way that people can see from your eyes, not the bimbotic way of "oh-mai-gad-i-know-right-like-tolly-man" thing. I love this gay thing.

And yes, Truth or Truth is fucking fun.

好快好快哦

It's really hard finding extra time for myself these days; probably because I'm a loser at time management and a winner at procrastination. Nonetheless, I'm pretty glad that I managed to get sometime away amidst the rapidity of school life this evening. I'm pretty much over with my assignments, just 3 more to finish up where I've left off. The workload left me hectic flurry as I try to manage the ginormous pile of shit which has to be done in 2weeks and I just never know where to begin. Much like a mad man catching butterflies with his bare hands, things didn't get a start until about the mid of last week. I still can't believe the 1st semester of my sophomore year is coming to an end, and I'm mid-way to graduation (if things run smoothly).


I think I'm probably ready and in the right mind for a date now (yes after so long), though that's not my main priority at this point in life. It's not like I'm actively on a pursuit to find the love of my life, but that doesn't mean that I'm just laying back and dismissing people I have interest in (and reciprocating).

"Love sought is good, but given unsought is better."

And actually, I've come to terms of "casual dating" or "mass dating" in a subtle way, like you're just hanging out with different people (no sex involved, duh), and just understanding them better. I guess over the years, I grew more accepting of this ideology. Of course, you gotta get a good grip of the someone you come across whom you have the strongest attraction towards (and also make it clear to the "other dates" you had along the way...), and, yes, I still stand rooted to the primal (yes, double entendre) belief of faithfulness.

"He bought me a GLASS not a JUG!"

Just testing out the layout overall, not the actual design.


It was pretty boring last night, if not for Audrey I think I'd die of boredom. Also, I notice that many straight kiddos can't drink well. Before 12am, there were already drunkards going home, puking, fainting, sleeping, crazy, shouting, screaming... and alot more to go. I think we feel pretty old there, considering how long we've been partying. At least there were a cupla decent looking people there for me to ogle at.

I still have work to do, and I'm sneezing the shit out of myself.

I'm straight again tonight.

You know you hate Steve Jobs when your iPhone when it does that "IM-DEAD-I-CANT-TURN-ON-HAHA-LOSER" thing. It happened for the 2nd time to my phone, though the duration was shorter. But it's working fine now so hee, happy man :D

Then again, it seemed like this incidences are somewhat calculated, or probably had a important-event-sensor thinggum installed. It does this thing TWICE when I had important events. Can't remember the previous time, but tonight it's Zouk Mayhem.

*insert cheeky smile*

Maya = End of the my world

My feelings towards modeling is a love-hate kinda situation. Probably because of my interest, and how a bitch the software can be or how sudden an unexpected distortion of the primitives can ruin my work.

I wish I could project my own reality :/

The Law of Attraction

Step 1 - Ask yourself what you truely want. Cause bitch, you know you aint gonna get it.

Step 2 - Believe that it is already yours, and never doubt it. It's good to be delusional and fucking annoying sometimes. It's just stress, baby ;)

Step 3 - Receive all good feelings and dismiss negative ones. Always let people know that you're just another stuck-up bitch and everything revolves around you.

No skittles for breakfast.

3 June 2011 is a bitch.

I was asked if I want to defer the school for 1 semester to which I politely declined. I know health reasons should be taken note of but I know what I'm doing. Plus, I don't want another year wasted, since I'm already half-way through the course. Lotsa work in progress, probably post it up soon and yes, please, I want some comments (whether or not you expertise in the area of Digital Media Design for Films/Games).


Still designing the layout of this blog to complement Pink Dot SG season, probably will be roughly up soon by... tonight? Anyway, lotsa work to do.

p/s: This is not a very personal blog, so expect minimum emotional posts heh ;)

Pink Dot 2011

Since PinkDot SG is around the corner, I've been thinking of changing my blog layout / design to complement it.

Anyway, for those of you still ignorant of what's going on, check out PinkDot SG.

What is Pink Dot?

Pink Dot is the name of the organising group. It references the term, Red Dot, which is often used to describe Singapore. Pink, instead of red, because it is the colour often associated with LGBT (think: pink dollar and pink feather boas) but more importantly, it is the colour of our national identity cards and it is what you get when you mix the colours of our national flag.

Mark your calendars!

WHAT: PINK DOT 2011
WHERE: Hong Lim Park
WHEN: Saturday, June 18, 2011
WHAT TO WEAR: Of course, PINK!
TIMINGS: Activities commence 4.30pm

Also, check out on their limited orders for their Pink tee gear!

Pew pew beams.

I'm back to blogger (after about 3 years using LJ), I pretty much love LJ but you can't edit the html unless you're using a private domain, meh.

I'm just really tired, prolly do gonna catch a nap soon (after I'm done with work).